Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry

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Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?

Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir


Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!

Also family: Have a baby 🙂


son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka


[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed


I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.


I can’t help but feel that if Mario hadn’t been taking so many mushrooms he would have found the right castle rather quickly..


Apparently “I’ll break your god damn legs” isn’t the problem solving skills that employers are looking for, at least according to HR anyway.


Give a woman a compliment and you’ll eat for a day. Force a woman to fish for compliments and she’ll feed someone else.


Tonight’s parenting lesson:

If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.

I need a shower.