Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
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Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Facebook memories be like
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?