Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
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7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*