Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
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It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”