@QwertyJones3

Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.

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@TheCiscoKidder

I knew it was time to vacuum when the baby rolled over and looked like an everything bagel.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.

@TheBoydP

I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.

Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.

@OllyiConic

interviewer: what can you tell me about the last two years of your life

me: just that i hope they haven’t started yet

@bea_ker

[circus school]
“So to tame the lion, you have this whip…”
What if the lion’s too close?
[picking up tiny stool] “we’ve thought of that”

@captainolya

My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday

@CatherineLMK

The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.

@malber

I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.

@flouncingqueen

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

@str8outaCompUSA

Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN