I knew it was time to vacuum when the baby rolled over and looked like an everything bagel.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
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In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Will Will chase Chase?
interviewer: what can you tell me about the last two years of your life
me: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
“So to tame the lion, you have this whip…”
What if the lion’s too close?
[picking up tiny stool] “we’ve thought of that”
My week is basically:
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN