Potential Employer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “In the break room, with my arm stuck in the vending machine.”
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
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ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
[on death row]
“what would you like for your last meal?”
“McRib doesnt come back for 6 more mont…oooh well played!”
I am a kid at heart and a 52 year old coal miner at liver.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Well played Pepsi.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
This is my cat’s medicine.