Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
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My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Buying a well is money well spent.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
[shakes fist at other fist]
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.