little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
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I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.