Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
You Might Also Like
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
OH. COME. ON.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!