Little known fact: Fergie stopped making music cuz she ran out of words she knew how to spell.

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I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.


So, Noah found two polar bears in the Mideast? And after the flood, he took them back to Canada? That sounds plausible. #GodScience


[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here


*Uses public restroom

**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel


“911, what’s your emergency?”

Me: A cute guy at the laundromat walked past me while I was folding my period underwear.


I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy


My superpower is my ability to spell ‘banana’ without any help from Gwen Stefani


Todays stats: My 3yr old got pissed off with me because I couldn’t stop the wind.


New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.

Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.


me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*

her: nope just crazy

me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons