Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
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So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother