Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
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I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes