Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!
Very funny Mom!
Little known fact: If you ride any animal in the zoo for more than 30 seconds… it’s yours to keep.
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“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
Yelling “shotgun” when getting in a car means a seat in the front. Yelling it before getting on a plane means a seat in the TSA office.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
To catch a woman, one must think like a woman.
*places glass of wine, and Channing Tatum dvd on mouse trap
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up