On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
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They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]