You Might Also Like
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle