little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
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Realize this:
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.