Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
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you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
grotesque if literal: baby food
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
I’m confused about plants
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?