Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
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Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”