Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
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Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
This guy’s not having it 😆
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.