Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
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The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.