Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
You Might Also Like
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭