Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
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Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Finally!
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?