Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
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You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
my signature move is yelling “where in the fridge?!” and “i don’t see it!” until my mom comes and finds the applesauce for me
[In a chair]
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Can’t.. arguing with someone who thinks phone internet and internet internet are two different internets.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!