When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
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ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext
this guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
DATE: how about we move this to the bedroom?
ME: give me one minute
*i kiss all my beanie babies on the head and put them on the ground*
Whenever I write out my alimony payment, I put cute things on the memo. Like “for your next divorce” or “clothes that make you feel skinny”.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.