@msdanifernandez

Little Mermaid: I want to be where the people are
Me: trust me u dont

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@Fickle_Filly

Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.

@Browtweaten

Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man

Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-

Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*

@thebitchyfairy

My ex-husband once gave me a book called Banish Your Belly, Butt, and Thighs, and the fact that he’s now Single, Bald, and Fat is one time the universe has come through for me.

@Tobi_Is_Fab

My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.

THIS IS BANANARCHY.

@longwall26

We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.

@WilliamAder

She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.

@ayosworIdd

Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”

@ThisLocalHater

I sleep with a Bible under my pillow in case anyone wants to break in and accept Jesus Christ as their lord and personal savior

@pinupteacher

ME: What tattoo should I get?

TATTOO ARTIST: Something meaningful that represents love and connection.

ME: One ravioli on my thigh please.

@nutsaremixed

Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!

Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about