Little Mermaid: I want to be where the people are
Me: trust me u dont

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Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.


Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man

Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-

Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*


My ex-husband once gave me a book called Banish Your Belly, Butt, and Thighs, and the fact that he’s now Single, Bald, and Fat is one time the universe has come through for me.


My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.



We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.


She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.


Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”


I sleep with a Bible under my pillow in case anyone wants to break in and accept Jesus Christ as their lord and personal savior


ME: What tattoo should I get?

TATTOO ARTIST: Something meaningful that represents love and connection.

ME: One ravioli on my thigh please.


Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!

Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about