In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Little Mermaid: I want to be where the people are
Me: trust me u dont
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Hipsters hate rivers. Too mainstream.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time and he never lets you forget it.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo