@msdanifernandez

Little Mermaid: I want to be where the people are
Me: trust me u dont

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@haleyyyy1711

Football would actually be entertaining of each team was allowed one bear.

@markleggett

Google+ is not a “ghost town”, because a town filled with ghosts would actually be fun.

@pleatedjeans

[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you

@nice_mustard

“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…

@trishm426

besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?

@topaz_kell

“…and use only your finest microwaves.”

– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s

@amishschool

Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?

@AndrewNadeau0

LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.

@om_eye_goodness

i’ve been a little sad lately, so i went on zillow and saved a 3 million dollar home and now i get to laugh every time they email me about the next steps to buy it.