Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
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Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Me too, bag. Me too….
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.