[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
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Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Simple enough.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
What a kind woman! 😂😂