The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
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You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
There is no try. There is only give up.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.