Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@ashmensch

*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*

“Oh no! My research!!”

@comedylopez

American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.

British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.

@ComedicBust

All of my clothes look like they’re about to explode off my body, yet my grandma still asks me if I’m eating enough every time I see her.

@squirrel74wkgn

[at the gym]

GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.

@jwalkonthemoon

I’m not normally a name-dropper but Tiger Woods asked me to start his car in the dream I just had.

@TheAlexNevil

*dies
*becomes ghost
*weighs self

OH COME ON

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?

Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?

@TheToddWilliams

*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*

@junejuly12

A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.

@MadGamer79

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.