[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]

Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”

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*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*

“Oh no! My research!!”


American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.

British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.


All of my clothes look like they’re about to explode off my body, yet my grandma still asks me if I’m eating enough every time I see her.


[at the gym]

GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.


I’m not normally a name-dropper but Tiger Woods asked me to start his car in the dream I just had.


Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?

Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?


A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.


When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.