@3sunzzz

[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]

Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”

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@4handfuls

Him: Well, when life hands you lemons…

Narrator: Life only needed him to hold the lemons so it could punch him in the face.

@That_Damn_Duck

I learned all I need to know about how to treat my coworkers by watching every Saw movie at least ten times.

@chrissyteigen

I always have a note in my pocket that says “john did it” just in case I’m murdered because I don’t want him to remarry #truelove #tips

@TheCatWhisprer

One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.

@AndyRichter

Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy

@GreenishDuck

This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.

@Reverend_Scott

If I were a superhero, I’d be Pizza Man.

My one-liners would be cheesy, and I’d save you in 30 min or less, or your next criminal is free.

@GrowlyGrego

Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.

@sannewman

If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.

@ladybroseph

Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.