[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]

Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”

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Him: Well, when life hands you lemons…

Narrator: Life only needed him to hold the lemons so it could punch him in the face.


I learned all I need to know about how to treat my coworkers by watching every Saw movie at least ten times.


I always have a note in my pocket that says “john did it” just in case I’m murdered because I don’t want him to remarry #truelove #tips


One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.


Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy


This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.


If I were a superhero, I’d be Pizza Man.

My one-liners would be cheesy, and I’d save you in 30 min or less, or your next criminal is free.


Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.


If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.


Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.