@3sunzzz

[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]

Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”

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Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–

Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.

@Gupton68

The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

@mikeleffingwell

One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.

@TheTweetOfGod

Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems

@burnie

My roomba just went into the corner and knocked over the broom that was leaning there. Dude, chill out. You already got the job.

@sixfootcandy

Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*

Repeat forever.

@mellimelle

The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.

Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.

@

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