Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
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I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
my first dose meeting my second
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
This is hilarious….
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.