Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.

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It sucks when I congratulate a woman on her pregnancy only to have him quickly correct me


[phone rings]
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.


When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.


there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick


The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.


A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.


[on a first date]

Her: I don’t like guns

Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*


Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?


‘I’m Spartacus’

‘No I’m Spartacus’

‘I am Spartacus’

‘I AM Spartacus’

‘I’m Spartacus’

‘Look I just need someone to sign for the package’