Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
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[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love