ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Live a little, ask her “are ya done?” while she’s still yelling at you.
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What do we want?
MORE EXISTENTIALIST JOKES!
When do we want them?
Eat anything u want.
If people make fun of ur size… Eat them too
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Good call inventor of glass tables. There’s nothing more appetizing than realizing Aunt Mildred doesn’t wear panties while I’m trying to eat
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative