Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
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The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me