“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
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I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.