@BoomBoomBetty

“Live each day like it’s your last”

Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone

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@LibyaLiberty

“So,why r all Arabs terrorists?”
‘All?’
“Well,most.”
‘There’s 369,243,763 Arabs.If they were mostly terrorists,you’d be dead’
#ArabInAmerica

@KentWGraham

All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.

@treydayway

Just calculated my BMI and found out I should be 47ft tall.

@HLFHM

Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere

Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes

@ibid78

“Why haven’t you been answering my pigeons?” – 17th century sext

@Junk_Boat

Wow she actually noticed me!

Time to pick a different tree.

@Ygrene

In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes

@LuvPug

I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen