“So,why r all Arabs terrorists?”
‘There’s 369,243,763 Arabs.If they were mostly terrorists,you’d be dead’
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
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All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Just calculated my BMI and found out I should be 47ft tall.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
“Why haven’t you been answering my pigeons?” – 17th century sext
Wow she actually noticed me!
Time to pick a different tree.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen