“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
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Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
*praying for world peace*
God:
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Breaking news:
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma