@fillthevacuum

Live, Laugh, Love

Leer, Lunge, Lactate

Do things that start with L

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@Mr_Kapowski

Contrary to what my voicemail will lead you to believe, I am in fact not sorry for missing your call

@attsmcjay

Hubs: ” Few glasses of wine tonight hun”?
Me: ” Yeah, I had a glass of red”
Hubs : ” Just one eh”
Me: ” Well I use the same glass”

@Popehat

If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming

@WhatsAGreenhorn

We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”

@AbbyHasIssues

Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.

Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.

@MarfSalvador

me: I think my hippo might be dying

vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse

me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO

@WittySassBasket

I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.

@Sassafrantz

I’ll do your taxes for free if you tell my mom we’re dating.