Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
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In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Important reminders
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today