*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
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Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
You know I’m something of a chef myself
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.