@FrogAvalanche

*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.

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@QwertyJones3

[dog park]
Go get it, boy!

*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*

Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever

@RdrJay47

Her: I have a marathon coming.

Me: Ooh, which show?

@a_venezuelan19

Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.

@ArfMeasures

Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no

@noimnotjewish

Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?

@LoneWolfStories

Damn you autocorrect for making me look like an idiom. Always trying to make a tool out of me.

@sofarrsogud

ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

@natkaotic

Those of you who believe everything you read on the internet probably also believe there’s hot local singles in your area.

@TweetPotato314

Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.

@11MyJam

Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.

Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.