Live today like it’s your last.

But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn’t.

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I dated a woman once.

Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.


Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.


[at swimming pool]

Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem

EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore


Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me


Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.


My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!


Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.


When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.