When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
I’m aging like a fine banana
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
whatcha thinkin bout
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.