My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Live today like it’s your last.
But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn’t.
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I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.