Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Live today like it’s your last.
But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn’t.
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[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”
-Steve Harvey M.D.
[the invention of money]
i want your stuff
“it’s mine tho”
what if i gave you a hard circle or a long paper
Oh, you’re an early riser?
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantastic
assistant: very attractive, sir
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Me: I’m gonna make a salad
Her: I think the lettuce went bad
[lettuce flicks a cigarette, hops out & pulls a switch blade]
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house