@heatherlarson77

Live today like it’s your last.

But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn’t.

You Might Also Like

@GroovyTasia

When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”

@sageboggs

How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!

Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?

Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ

@DrDogMD

DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?

@SondraDeeMe

My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.

@JeremyKCMO

‘I’m sure it’s just water,’ I mumble as I sit down on the gas station toilet.

@somelightcrying

I’m a businessman so I tuck my shirt in. There’s a lot of money on the line so I need you to know that this is roughly where my legs start.

@mrjohndarby

him: I love indiana jones movies

me: I’ll introduce you to my friend. she LOVES steven spielberg

him: awesome

[later]
him: hi

steven spielberg’s wife: hello