Live today like it’s your last.

But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn’t.

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Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep


[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”

-Steve Harvey M.D.


[the invention of money]
i want your stuff
“it’s mine tho”
what if i gave you a hard circle or a long paper


Oh, you’re an early riser?
Have kids?
A farm?
Medical condition?


We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket


spider: I need 4 pairs of pants

assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress

spider: I’ll give it a try

spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantastic

assistant: very attractive, sir


Me: I’m gonna make a salad

Her: I think the lettuce went bad

[opens fridge]

[lettuce flicks a cigarette, hops out & pulls a switch blade]


We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.


[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]

wife: I should have been the one to do it

me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house