Live today like it’s your last.
But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn’t.
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When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
that escalated quickly
‘I’m sure it’s just water,’ I mumble as I sit down on the gas station toilet.
I’m a businessman so I tuck my shirt in. There’s a lot of money on the line so I need you to know that this is roughly where my legs start.
him: I love indiana jones movies
me: I’ll introduce you to my friend. she LOVES steven spielberg
steven spielberg’s wife: hello