The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
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Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest