Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
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Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet