Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
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A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days