Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.

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I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.


“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies


Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.


Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.


Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.


I’ve invented a new kind of waffle maker that makes 300 waffles per minute whether you want it to or not


My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.


finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid


[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children



Kids: *already running away with my pants*