@Tmoney68

Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.

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@Dawn_M_

I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.

@flglmn

“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies

@Drivelodeon

Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.

@simoncholland

Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.

@3sunzzz

Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.

@mindflakes

I’ve invented a new kind of waffle maker that makes 300 waffles per minute whether you want it to or not

@DannyZuker

My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.

@zachreinert03

finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid

@bobvulfov

[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children

@SvnSxty

Me: NOT THIS TIME

Kids: *already running away with my pants*