Psst. Don’t refer to them as voices in your head. Do as the professionals and call them your ‘team of writers’.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
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Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
People in public restrooms don’t really like playing Peek-a-boo, apparently.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.