[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
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I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
😂😂
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.