[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that

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Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?


Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading


I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.


I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.


My favorite sport is jumping into conclusions



Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!

Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.


Top Fears
1.Walking on manholes
2.Driving, hit a deer, windshield breaks, deer caught and frantically bucks me to death
3.Christopher Walken


I’m that guy who plays Pictionary and draws the shittiest representation of the clue and spends the entire time circling it at various speed


It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.


Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.