@PostCultRev

[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that

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@elle91

Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?

@abbycohenwl

Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading

@WhaJoTalkinBout

I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.

@SortaBad

I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.

@Mouthy_

My favorite sport is jumping into conclusions

@Tmoney68

[Interview]

Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!

Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.

@moneybreton

Top Fears
1.Walking on manholes
2.Driving, hit a deer, windshield breaks, deer caught and frantically bucks me to death
3.Christopher Walken

@Mr_Kapowski

I’m that guy who plays Pictionary and draws the shittiest representation of the clue and spends the entire time circling it at various speed

@TwinSurvivalist

It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.

@BuckyIsotope

Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.