livin la vida broka

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i just watched a girl in class look confused during the lecture then literally open up her laptop and change her major


Vicar: The bride and groom have written their own vows.

*Everyone lets out a huge groan as Tolstoy reaches into his suit pocket*


I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up


Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.


[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.


Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on…

– me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants


I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.


If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms


me: the most exercise I get is from sex

friend: but you’re so out of shape


The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.