@pakalupapito

livin la vida broka

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@smhsid

i just watched a girl in class look confused during the lecture then literally open up her laptop and change her major

@Audenary

Vicar: The bride and groom have written their own vows.

*Everyone lets out a huge groan as Tolstoy reaches into his suit pocket*

@Kirangandhi

I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up

@chris_isloi

Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.

@Cpin42

[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.

@NinsunG

Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on…

– me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants

@beefman138

I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.

@ninatreemonkey

If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms

@BraandoCommando

me: the most exercise I get is from sex

friend: but you’re so out of shape

@Pundamentalism

The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.