I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
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The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face