Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
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I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
okay run it by me one more time
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.