Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.

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I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I’m not a shopaholic.


[run into an old classmate]

Them: You’ve gained a little weight.

Me: You’ve stayed ugly.


Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!


I would be completely shocked if I ever won the lottery. Mainly because I don’t play the lottery.


There’s a woman here who, by the amount of makeup on her face, fought with a rainbow – and lost.


The husband & I just spent 20 minutes choosing the most awkward songs to load on his phone when driving our teen & her friends around, in case you wondered if there’s any magic left in marriage after kids.


me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?

coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night


I’m all about the sex, drugs and rock n’ roll until about nine because that’s cocoa time.


Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.