I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I’m not a shopaholic.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
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[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
I would be completely shocked if I ever won the lottery. Mainly because I don’t play the lottery.
There’s a woman here who, by the amount of makeup on her face, fought with a rainbow – and lost.
The husband & I just spent 20 minutes choosing the most awkward songs to load on his phone when driving our teen & her friends around, in case you wondered if there’s any magic left in marriage after kids.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
I’m all about the sex, drugs and rock n’ roll until about nine because that’s cocoa time.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.