Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
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One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.