The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Living well is the best revenge. Hitting them with your car is a close second, though.
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Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Me: [being arrested] how did you find me?
Detective: literally crumbs
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Think the walk of shame sucks now, imagine doing it in the 80s in corduroy pants.
Everyone heard you leaving.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!