Living well is the best revenge. Hitting them with your car is a close second, though.

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To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.


[spelling bee]

your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’

“can you use it in a sentence?”

yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’


MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year

BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water


I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.


Legend of Tarzan 2:

Tarzan meets other primates.

He befriends them all.

He teaches them to fight.

It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.


[Coffee line]

*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.


I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.

I’m like an Almostradamus.


You guys, The Hunger Games movie is distracting us from reality- which is, of course, The Hunger Games.


I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters


*leaves church*

*sees McChicken video*

*goes back to church*