Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@OneFunnyMummy

The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.

@NikkiGlaser

Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.

@DarkerWillow

Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.

@thenatewolf

Me: [being arrested] how did you find me?

Detective: literally crumbs

@KevinFarzad

Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”

@_little_old_me

*deletes my ex’s phone number*

k, weigh me now.

@thatUPSdude

Think the walk of shame sucks now, imagine doing it in the 80s in corduroy pants.

Everyone heard you leaving.

@RobDenBleyker

Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.

@Ndeshi_M

Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!