Living well is the best revenge. Hitting them with your car is a close second, though.

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The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.


Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.


Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.


Me: [being arrested] how did you find me?

Detective: literally crumbs


Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”


Think the walk of shame sucks now, imagine doing it in the 80s in corduroy pants.

Everyone heard you leaving.


Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.


Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!