Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
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There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Everybody hates Crocs but the company is worth over $2 billion.
Somebody is lying.
Put a ring on it
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Her: I like your hair. Did you get it cut?
Me: I washed it
Her: but it looks really different
Me: yeah I used water this time
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!