“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
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If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
#milo
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
lol
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.