@existentialcoms

“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.

“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.

- @existentialcoms

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@brynnester

Me: I have an irrational fear of things
Dr: Such as?
Me: Driving, Swimming and Underground Passages
Dr: You have Car Pool Tunnel Syndrome

@heatherlou_

Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.

@orny_xo

Wait, Fellatio isn’t a flavor of ice cream?!

@DickScurvy

Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.

@MavenofHonor

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that when you’re looking at your phone next to someone who’s sleeping, you will inadvertently click on a video

@Dawn_M_

WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.

@yoyoha

I bet Hannibal Lecter was pretty disappointed when he found out a five finger discount had nothing to do with purchasing fingers.

@realHamOnWry

There’s a difference between when a woman is furious and when she’s irate. It’s the difference between sleeping on the couch or in a casket.

@distracted_monk

[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.

@occupied_stall

If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.