*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
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Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team