It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
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“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
My kitchen overserved me.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.