I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
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“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.