You Might Also Like
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
British people be like I’m Bri ish
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
when u come home smelling like another dog
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open