@teehee_sarah

living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated

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@Huntermoore

Everyone knows if you see a white guy with dreads you punch them in the face

@TheHyyyype

SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*

NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!

SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there

@mishacollins

This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”

@rachelle_mandik

New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?

Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?

@dad_on_my_feet

I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”

@MrFornicator

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

@Just_Lee_

The neighbor’s dog has barked non stop for three hours.

And now I know how the Chinese first discovered that dogs make a tasty snack.

@Midgetspar

Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”