living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
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Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
#merica
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream