Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
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presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
inventing words: clothing
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.