@rocket_roy

[Lizard Enterprises HQ]
Lizard Boss: Um excuse me, do you work here?
Snake balancing on 4 toothpicks (nervously): Uh yessir why do you ask?

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@KidsWriteJokes

Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.

@girl_a_whirl

[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…

@KMDrunner

Any time I see a pic of Princess Leia’s hair I get a craving for a cinnabon

@House_Feminist

when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair

@WilliamRodgers

“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”

-Disney’s Frozen

I paused the movie to tweet this…

@Kryzazy

Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.

@suntzufuntzu

[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame

@Iaughing

Patrick: “Did you see my underwear?” Mindy: “No.” Patrick: “Do you wanna?”