lmaaaaaooooooooo
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i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*