4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
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#SaturdayBears
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
remember
only for emergencies
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.